Trusting My Gut

The holidays keep my hands busy so writing got pushed to the back burner. So much has happened and I am learning to trust myself more then ever with my decisions as a parent. I’ve adopted the “If we are late, then we are late” outlook which allows me to accept the reality of my life and allow accomodations for that. I am a single person and parent of 3, two with special needs. I’m outmatched but somehow I am always on time for things and very rarely late, as a result however, sometimes I’m over stressed and I take it out on myself and the kids. I don’t like the version of myself when I’m striving for perfection or even keeping up with the norm. We aren’t the norm, and that is okay to admit. We will try to be on time and keep a schedule but I am not going to let it make or break our peace to stick to it. The world is hard enough.

I had a realization after our last elopement that changed everything. I was not the one that left the door unlocked. My eldest daughter let her uncle in the house and left it unlocked. I couldn’t figure it out on the day and barely slept that night. Then it hit me and I remembered, I didn’t even open the door. So I had a hard conversation with my kid about safety and the serious concern for her sisters getting onto the freeway by our house. I know she didn’t mean to “forget” but she would never forget it if something happened to one or both of her sisters because of it. I realized that I need to take security in my house more seriously, and not because I don’t have cameras and alarms. I need to take security training with the people in my life more seriously. I’m working with a company on Crisis Intervention as well as getting the girls back into some emergency ABA therapy. We have been on wait-lists for quite a while but our small town has a flux of autism and almost every company has months to years of waiting. My oldest spent this Thanksgiving break at home and we just focused on remembering how things work at home and double checking things like door locks. Even though it was a “your grounded” situation I enjoyed just having her home and with us. She spends so much time with other family and friends I miss out on so much of the good stuff. It’s a hard balance being the authority parent and the fun parent and trying to make sure she doesn’t grow up with the same insecurities I did. I want her to feel supported and loved. I think she would learn allot from spending more time with her sisters. I want to give her everything in the world but there are also lessons in compassion and resiliency that could benefit her in the long run that she has available to her right here at home.

So we will probably be a little late sometimes and my children might not grow up like other kids do but they were never meant to grow up like other kids. Just like my oldest could end up being some beautifully compassionate person who helps others and cares for them because she was raised around those with special needs. She will understand so much more of the individual life experience, connecting when it is hard to communicate, and being a human being. I want her to better this world and not get lost in the hype. I want to raise morally good human beings and I think that is something that has been lost on people, in my country anyway.